elephant in the room

Recovery. I always (somewhat naively) thought recovery would be a process whereby my mind would slowly return to sensible thought patterns and a gradual reduction in the usual anxietal and emotional outbursts to, well, pretty much anything. I’ve read numerous books about depression where the author charts their rise from utter hellish blackness into a perfectly normal life once again. I am beginning to feel these accounts are either a) lies b) wishful thinking c) lies.

Recovery from depression (anxiety, or whatever the hell my problem is, I see a clinical psych this month so maybe some actual insight into a label will come) seems far more akin to recovery from alcoholism. It is always there, waiting, whispering in your ear. You don’t get rid of it, but learn techniques to ignore it, to pretend its not there, whispering in your ear, until like an alcoholic, you just learn to live with the siren song and accept that you will always be fighting it off. It becomes so much of a habit that it gets easier, but weak moments test you, they can set you straight back to square one.

I do wonder sometimes, if I’m just fooling myself, if I’ll ever be free of these reactions to things, these emotions that grip me in their clawed fingers and no matter how much I chant the logic mantras, hang onto me, and leave me miserable and exhausted with fear. I am learning techniques to avoid falling into their grasp, but once they have me, I seem to be helpless. I’m a lost cause. It’s a lot like trying to ride a wild horse. You don’t – you just learn how to hang on, how to not fall off and break your neck.

I was expecting more somehow.

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random cartoon of the day

I am in the office. Trying to get my brain into gear.

It’s not working.

I haven’t slept well this week, going back to work has thrown my mind into a loop. I was relaxed, and suddenly I am not. I am having stress and anxiety dreams, but not really sure if they’re trying to tell me something or just mirroring my internal stress and anxiety.

C is working non stop to meet a deadline, which is fine, I am dealing with that better than I usually do (perhaps I’m… growing…nah, surely not) but the amount of time I’m spending alone in my head is perhaps exacerbating (is that how you spell that?) the weirdness going on. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just allowing it to trundle along in its own way and I am dealing with it as a normal person should, i.e without flipping out/having an anxiety overload/getting depressed. Perhaps a somewhat low phase is ok? I don’t know…I don’t know what is normal. I’m so trained to look out for possible signs that I’m about to nosedive into doomcloud central that I worry whenever I am less than perfect inside my mind. (Perfect for me you understand, is really just the absence of anxiety)

I should just let this run it’s course maybe.

Oh lordy. I don’t know how to be a person… I didn’t expect this when I was wishing for stability. I don’t even know what is normality.

Arghhhhhh.

Ok. It’s fine. Breathe.

Breathing achieved.

I will have coffee. And write something about web office tools. That will make it all better. If I finish an article I will do the happy dance and things will be glittery and shiny again.

Yes.

Go Team Shiny!