[audio:donotwanthis.mp3]
Sometimes, only sometimes, you realise that the map you use to find your way around your mind is of equal size and complexity, and possibly even containing more layers and levels than the plane you try to exist upon at any given time.
That one we call reality. You might have noticed it.
I am nihilistic and twisty.
Sometimes there is a core of anger in me that rises with no reason at all. Self-hatred, futility, weakeness. Bitter fucking hate.
I hide it well. I take it away from those I care about. Or try to. Which is ridiculous because the only thing that can stop it is to be held until the anger has no fuel.
Sadly when I am like this, I don’t let anyone near me.
So instead of bothering people, instead of asking for help, I will drink, and pretend I am fine, and it will be buried, and squashed down, into that layer of silt at the bottom of my mind. God help me if if gets disturbed by some giant footstep some day.
Tasty beer. You will never leave me…
The original is unfaithful to the translation.
(Jorge Luis Borges)
August 13, 2007 at 9:23 pm |
Off topic – but I don’t think I mentioned that I like the new pic up top.
I do.
August 14, 2007 at 2:35 am |
You didn’t. Nobody did *sniff*.
I was bored of the old one.
I am working up to a revamp of the blog, when I have some time off work. Oh, that’ll be soon then!
That and moving house, and entertaining, and oh, theres two websites I need to produce in my spare time that I had already contracted before I got this job (and have already spent the fee for, because I was suddenly paying for everything myself).
Should be a nice relaxing week off!
August 14, 2007 at 3:32 am |
haha,
I imagine that you will thoroughly enjoy your time off, revel in it actually. And who knows, maybe you will be inspired by all of that rest and relaxation to design a brilliant website (or two).
Then again, entertaining can be… distracting. I wonder if you know anyone who has mad crazy web developing skills that might be willing to help you out?
August 14, 2007 at 7:20 am |
I like the pic too. Hope you enjoy your time.
August 14, 2007 at 3:15 pm |
i feel ya, brutha.
dig the header!
August 15, 2007 at 2:16 pm |
I haven’t been here in a bit as I’ve been all blargh…but yes, I too like the pic.
Oh my goodness when I read this post. After what I wrote last night!
*Ding!*
Well, similar yet different. But aren’t we all? I mean, no carbon copies. I suffer from all the negative feelings you could ever find in a dictionary toward myself and also find it extremely difficult to ask for help. But perhaps among a precious one or two at certain points I may be (getting) better at it? But even then…I find it incredibly difficult.
I do hide it well, also and yes, how sadly messed up indeed that when we need the comfort that will quell all of the pain we can’t reach out for it.
And yes, drinking…liquid comfort, right there. Obviously you don’t have to explain that one to me.
August 17, 2007 at 8:23 pm |
for fk’s sake, where in the hell are you?
must you make me worry about you like the childrens??
p.s . hope all’s well.
August 22, 2007 at 12:11 pm |
hope you’re ok babe.
August 27, 2007 at 11:09 pm |
geez louise. tell us you are allright.