Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can’t you understand
Oh my little girlAll I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harmVows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettableAll I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm
I wonder how many emotions it is possible to feel all at once before you just, kind of, explode?
May 9, 2007 at 4:19 am |
Beats me. But if right now is any indication, it’s not going to be too long before I explode or completely lose it.
::sigh::
I guess it’s a good thing I’m seeing my therapist again tomorrow.
May 11, 2007 at 2:43 pm |
This is one of my favourite songs by the group but I can be such a talker at times…well, if I’m with someone, taking this song literally, it may not work. But I do understand that critical moment of just *being* with someone and not saying a word and just…perhaps holding them and savoring the pleasure of that exact moment and not saying (or even thinking!) anything. Except how wonderful it is.
Gee, don’t I sound so fucking chipper for just waking up, eh? I’m faking it…really. Very tired, very sick and will be going back to bed soon but I have not read any blogs (well, very few since hosp.) so I am curious what everyone else has been up to.)
But the above still applies.
Now back to your question. Sorry, I’m putting on my Spock ears for a moment. I think it might depend upon the situation and the individual but you could probably feel a vast quantity? I mean, anger to downright rage, sadness, fear, triumph/strength (in sort of a confidence kind of way,) happiness, uncertainty (kind of like fear but fears can be more specific and concrete?) nausea (haha–but that’s more physical!)…I could go on but I’m exhausted and thinking of this stuff is making me more emotional!
But sometimes, well…this may sound funny but I have felt NO emotions before I have exploded. Well, quietly exploded. Or did a cutting. Or gone mad and needed to be hospitalized. Perhaps if I look back a bit at events preceding…I may find something but there are times when there certainly has been nothing negative or indicative of a “brain explosion.” This may have been a bit of dissociation but not in its traditional sense. Or, perhaps I was somehow shielding myself or protecting myself from further trauma by just not feeling things–on a conscious level?
Oh, now we’re getting into deep water. You see, I have major issues with repressed memory. Massive. I would say 95% of my childhood is GONE. Well, not gone but repressed. You know it’s bad when… So maybe this has become sort of “learned behaviour?” Again, even if it’s not conscious? It hurts to much or is bad or scary or chaotic or completely terrifying (as my childhood was) so emotions get turned of like a tap? Ergo, PA has less of a chance of getting hurt?
But that also works in reverse. Moth to a flame in “dangerous” situations. My therapist says this is also very common in trauma survivors…kind of a “go with what you know” sort of thing. That’s a very casual and simplistic way of putting it but basically, it’s another form of non-conscious patterned or learned behaviour.
I’m weird though. I can have a very difficult time accessing and even feeling my emotions even when there are no explosions on the horizon. Again, probably due to trauma? At least my therapist thinks so? The latter part I am getting a bit better at but I find them sort of coming out in fits and starts and then they disappear. It’s like I have this sort of little, tantrummy outburst and then I just go back to being sort of blank or bland about it all. Or maybe feeling something else briefly and then back to the, “Well, I feel nothing stage.”
Bloody Vulcan nature. I mean, PA knows she’s human…why does she just not feel part of the race?
Shit, this is long. I need to seriously go back to bed.